Three Questions Newsletter #4: Becoming a Better Listener

“Seek to understand, then be understood” - Stephen Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Successful People

How many times have you heard, “NO, you’re not listening!” in a conversation? Sure, you’re listening, but are you really understanding? As someone whose job is primarily customer-facing, I wanted to take this skill to the next level and started researching how. For me, being a better listener doesn’t just make you a better friend, colleague, or partner. Being a better listener makes you feel more connected to others.

Three Levels of Listening

I started by looking into “active listening” as this is a term I hear mentioned frequently. I came across this post on the Three Levels of Listening which gave great context:

(1) Listen to Speak

(2) Listen to Hear

(3) Listen to Understand

It instantly became clear that I was on Level 1 of listening, meaning I was trying to respond as quickly as possible vs. comprehending what was being said. I realized that to be considered a good listener, I needed to take it to the next level. Many articles mentioned “nodding along” and “repeating what someone said back to them,” but these are surface-level improvements.

Oscar Trimboli’s book Deep Listening, Impact Beyond Words gave me the first scientific explanation of what’s actually going on in our minds when listening: “...you speak at about 125 to 150 words a minute, but you can listen to 400 words a minute. Neurologically you are programmed to be completely distracted. You fill in the gap with 300 words in your head while they’re catching up to you. What’s worse, for the speaker, they can speak at 125 to 150 words per minute, but they have 900 words a minute in their head, and can think at 900 words a minute.” In other words, a speaker only shares a fraction of what they’re actually saying. This makes confirming their intent and clarifying their statement increasingly important.

If we’re going to the third and highest level of listening, we must make sure we’re both intensely focused on what we’re hearing and confident that we’ve understood both the explicit and implicit message. In I Hear You, Michael Sorensen offers a simple but effective framework for doing just that:

Empathize > Validate > Offer Advice > Validate

What does that mean exactly? Here’s an example. Your friend tells you about how they’re upset after a tough day at work. If you respond, “I’m sorry, but don’t worry you’ll feel better after some time passes!” that is not as good as, “You’re right, that is really frustrating and I totally get why you feel that way. I would feel the same… The strategy I’ve used to deal with this in the past is to journal how I’m feeling. That being said, I get you will be frustrated for some time and that is okay as well.”

“There’s a difference between being listened to and being heard.”

Strategies for Being a Better Listener

(1.) Presence

Being a great listener starts before a conversation happens. It means turning off notifications, putting your phone away, and having a clear mind.

(2.) Take deep breaths

We often rush to respond to someone and, in turn, don’t say the right thing. A brief pause is okay. Focus on listening vs. thinking about what you’re going to say next. Take a few seconds after the person is done to think about how you’re going to respond.

(3.) Validate

Before offering reassurance or advice, you need to focus on validating the emotion that was just outlined.

(4.) Take notes!

Whenever possible - jot things down. My Pappu (grandfather in Greek), told me that when he worked in Insurance, he always kept a pocket notebook where he wrote down the names of the spouses and kids of his business contacts. People were always amazed and thankful for his deep attention to detail.

Three Questions:

1. What level of listening are you and how can you get better?

2. How can you incorporate validation into your listening?

3. Who needs you to be a better listener?

/ae